Opening a New Office
A young broker had just started his own real estate office. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the foyer. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the broker picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
Congratulations on your new home
After a new home sale the agent thought he would send flowers as a closing Gift.
They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new home".
Ever had problems with telemarketers?
Here are my top 10 tips on dealing with them!
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . ." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
4. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
5. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends . . . would you be my friend?"
7. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
8. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
9. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you< calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
English Sayings A-Z (British Slang)
All the world and his wife = a large number of people
All right? = How are you?
A load of old cobblers = A load of lies (i.e. what a load of old cobblers!)
And pigs might fly! = Yeah right!
Argy-bargy = Heated Argument
Anyroad = Anyway
All mouth and no trousers = Boastful and without just reason
Agro = Hassle/trouble
Adam & Eve = Believe - Cockney Ryming Slang (as in would you Adam & Eve it?!?)
Apples & Pears = Stairs - Cockney Ryming Slang (up the apples and pears)
A- Z = A guide, usually a road map/atlas
Boat race = Face - Cockney Ryming Slang (as in ugly boat)
Brown Bread = Dead - Cockney Ryming Slang
Butchers Hook = Look (as in take a butcher's at that!)
Bob's your uncle = There you go - that's all there is to it - sorted!
Back of Beyond = Middle of Nowhere
Bobby-dazzler = A amazing thing or person.
Brassed off = Fed up (i.e. I'm brassed off)
Blabbermouth = A person who reveals too much in conversation, a gossip.
Birdbrain = Stupid, lacking commonsense.
By eck! = An exclamation of suprise
Barney = An arguement.
Banger = Sausage, or an old car
Bit of alright = An attractive person. (i.e. She's a bit of alright!)
Bog = Toilet
Barmy = Gone mad! (i.e. you're barmy!)
Bag = thing, or old woman
Belt up! = Shut up!
Berk = Fool (you berk!)
Bird = One's girlfriend (not very politically correct)
Bubble & Squeak = Potato and Cabbage Dish
Busker = Street Performer
Butty = Sandwich
Bloke = A guy
Bugger = An insult (means sodomy)
Bairn = Scottish for Baby
Bender = a drinking session, or a homosexual depending on the context
Bill = the total amount for something (a check in the US)
Blower = Telephone
Blimey! = from 'cor blimey', an exclamation of suprise
Bevvies = Lager
Brass = Money
Button it! = Shut up!
Belly = Stomach
Bull in a china shop = Someone who acts before they think, without tact (i.e. you just barged in like a bull in a china shop
Cheesed off = Fed up!
Cake'ole = mouth (cake hole i.e. shut your cake 'ole)
Cacky = Dirty, rubbishy
Chew the fat = To chat.
Chuck it down = To rain, often heavily. (i.e. it's going to chuck it down)
Clever cloggs = very clever! (sarcastically)
Cock = same as tackle
Cock up = a mistake (nothing to do with 'cock')
Clapped out = Worn out, usually applied to machinery (i.e. that car's just a clapped out heap of junk)
Caper = Some kind of unsuccessful activity (i.e. that was a right caper)
Cloth-ears = Someone who doesn't pay attention to imparted information.
Chuffed = Pleased
Cheeky monkey = A light-hearted name for a verbally impertinent person
Choke your chicken = see Yank your plank
Crikey = another exclamation of suprise
Cor Blimey = an exclamation of suprise
Cob = To throw. Northern expression
Clock = to recognise (I clocked him, or I clocked his game - I knew what he was up to)
Codswallop = Baloney/Rubbish! (i.e. what a load of codswallop!)
Come a cropper = To fail (i.e.you're gonna come a cropper if you carry on...)
Corporation pop = Water. Northern use.
Crap = Rubbish (means excreta)
Cuppa = Cup of Tea
Chop chop = Quick, quick!
Chick = same as bird
Cushy number = Something easy (i.e. you're job may be a cushy number)
Chubbychops = Jocular and affectionate term of address for a fat person
Chucky-egg = a boiled egg, or a pet name for partner, or young child
Crackers = Stupid
Creepy-crawly = An insect, spider, worm etc.
Cradle snatcher = person who dates or marries someone considerably younger than themselves.
Cream Crackered = Knackered - Cockney Ryming Slang (tired)
Dog & Bone = Telephone - Cockney Ryming Slang
Daft as a brush = Stupid (i.e. you're as daft as a brush)
Drive you round the bend/up the wall = to get frustrated
D.I.Y. = Do it yourself
Doddle = Easy Task (i.e. that's a doddle!)
Dodgy = Suspect (i.e. that seems a bit dodgy)
Doole Alley = Gone mad (i.e. he just went doole alley!)
Dab hand = A person highly skilled at a given task
Daft/Daft Apeth = Stupid (refering to someone i.e. you're a daft apeth!)
Dole = State benefit from being unemployed
Duck = friendly term used to refer to someone (i.e. hello, duck, what can I do for you?)
Done a bunk/runner = Disappeared, or someone on the run
Ey up = Hiya
Eyes are bigger than your belly = someone who thinks they can eat more than they can
Fanny's your aunt = same as Bob's your uncle!
Full of beans = Very lively and energetic (i.e. he's full of beans)
Fly off the handle = Lose ones cool
Flog = Sell (i.e. he's flogging some cheap videos)
Fog Horn = Insinuating that someone has a loud voice
Faggot = Homosexual
Fart = to pass wind
Fag = Ciggarette, not a homosexual
Film = Movie
Flaming Nora! = An exclamation of anger or surprise
For Goodness Sake! = a statement of frustration
Gas = fuel used for cooking or heating, not cars, thats petrol (gasoline)
Gas = to talk or gossip (i.e. she was on the phone gassing for hours!)
Give it some wellie! = Get some energy into it!
Get your kit off = Get undressed
Giving the elbow = Rejecting (i.e. I got the elbow, was given the elbow)
Get away! = I don't believe you!
Get your finger out = (...of your arse) get a move on, get going
Get your skates on! = get a move on, get going! Shift!
Get off with = Manage to attract, and date, a person of the opposite sex
Gaff = Home
Git = Prat
Gordon Bennett! = Bloody hell! You're kidding!
Gob = Mouth (i.e. shut your gob!)
Gander = Look (i.e. have a gander at that...)
Get your skates on! = Hurry up!
Gaffer = The boss
Geezer = Fella
Grub = Food
Graft = hard work
Greedy Guts = Refering to someone with a big appetite
Gearstick = shiftstick in the US
How's your father? = sex (eg: fancy a bit of 'how's your father'?)
Hollow legs = Refers to someone who could eat all day, and never fill up
Hold your horses! = Just hold on a minute!
Hammered = beaten up or drunk
Holiday = Vacation in the US
Hangover = Sickness from excess alcohol consumption
In Good Nick = In Good Condition
Init/Intit = Isn't it
Jacksie = the buttocks
Jimmy riddle = to pass water
Jennel = an alley
Jumper = sweater
Keep your pecker up = Try to remain cheerful even if times are difficult
Keep your hair on! = Calm down! or remain calm!
Knickers in a twist = To get frustrated (i.e. don't get your knickers in a twist!)
Knickers! = Get lost!
Kegs =Trousers (pants in the US)
Knockers = the breasts
Knocking shop = A brothel
Knocked up = Pregnant
Life of Riley = An easy life (i.e. he's got the life of Riley)
Lad = Boy
Lass = Girl
Lunchbox = A fellas 'tackle'
Lug 'ole = Ear (i.e. open your lug 'oles!)
Love bite = Hickies in the US
Losing your bottle = Losing your nerve
Lord Muck = The depreciatory name for a pompous conceited man, the female equivalent being Lady Muck
Misery-guts = A killjoy.
Moaning Minnie = A person who persistently grumbles
Monkey = One pound sterling (less well known)
Marlarky = Rubbish/Non-sense (i.e. ...and all that malarky)
Make a bob or two = to make some money
Mash = A brew (of tea)
Mate/Matey = a friend, nothing more
Naff = Worthless or Useless
Nesh = Cold
Not much cop = Not very good
Nick = to Steal, or a prison.
Nipper = child
Nowt = Nothing
Noggin = brains (i.e. use a bit of noggin)
Nathen = Now then.. (listen...)
Nathen, me old china/mucker = Now then, my old friend
Not a full shilling = Stupid (refering to an old 5p coin, pre-decimalisation)
Not wired up right = same as above! (i.e. he's not wired up right)
Nowt so queer as folk = There's nothing more strange than people
Order of the boot = to get lost (past tense, i.e. I gave him the order of the boot)
On your bike = Clear off/you must be joking
Old Bag = Ugly woman
Over the Moon = Delighted, Elated
Off one's rocker = Insane, crazy, mad
Off one's head = Insane, crazy, mad
Okay-dokay/Okay-doke = OK
Oh my giddy aunt! = A mild exclamation of surprise.
One for the road =. A final alcoholic drink before setting off on one's journey.
On one's tod = Alone
Over the Top (O.T.T.) = Carried Away (i.e. that was a bi O.T.T.)
Old Codger = old person.
Owt = Anything (i.e. owt like that 'ill do)
Once-over = An inspection, a quick look over something or someone. (i.e. I gave it the once over)
Popped your cloggs = died/dead (i.e. he popped his cloggs...)
Pipped at the post = Beaten at the last minute
Put wood in 'ole = Shut the door (put the wood in the hole)
Pants = underwear, not trousers
Peckish = Hungry
Polish off = to finnish (usually food, i.e. you polished that burger off quick!)
Pinch = Steal
Punter = A customer
Plastered = Drunk
Put paid to ... = Put an end to ...
Prat/Plonker= Idiot
Puff/pufter = Homosexual
Pork Pie = Lie - to tell a lie (i.e. are you telling porkies?)
Pen & Ink = Stink (as in it pen & inks in here!)
Putting your foot in it/in your mouth = Someone who speaks before they think (i.e. he's put his foot in it)
Quid = One pound sterling
Queer = Homosexual
Queer as a nine bob note = A phrase refering to someone as undoubtedly homosexual
Roasting = Telling off (i.e. I gave him a right roasting)
Rabbit/rattle (verb) = Talking a lot (i.e. women tend to rattle a heck of a lot)
Rollicking = A reprimand , a telling off
Run of the mill = Something which is ordinary
Reight = Right
Sound as a pound = Can't fault it! He's alright.
Sithee = I'll see you (goodbye)
Shenanigans = Unruly behaviour, mischievous antics
Spend a penny = Go to the toilet
Sweet Fanny Adams = Absolutely nothing!
Swings and roundabouts = Refers to a situation where positive and negatives balance
Sept = Except
Snog = Serious Kissing
Sods Law = Murphys Law
Scouser = Someone from Liverpool
Sleeping Policeman = Speed Bump
Sling you hook = Clear off! Get lost!
Straight up? = Are you joking?
Strop = Bad Mood (i.e. you're in a bit of a strop)
Stroppy = Argumentative
Shag = Sexual intercourse
Shift = move (i.e. shift it!) nothing to do with transmission, see gearstick
Slapper = a woman who is out to get herself a bloke, any bloke
Scallywag = Rascal
Summat = Something
Talent = An attractive person
Take-away = 'To go' in the US
Trap = same as cake'ole
The Full Monty = to take all one's clothes off or to go the whole way.
Thin on the ground = Scarce
Thingy/Thingymajig = You know...! (when you can't quite remember)
That 'ill cost a bom! = That will cost a fortune
Thick as two short planks = Stupid (i.e. he is as thick as two short planks!)
Thick as pudding = Stupid (i.e. refering to Yorkshire pudding)
That takes the biscuit = That's the last straw
Take the Micky (Mick/Michael) = again, to laugh at someone
Throw a wobbly = Get very angry
Tint 'ere = It isn't here
The old bill = The police
Toe wrag = Rascal
Totty = Women (i.e. thats a nice bit a totty!)
Tad = Little (i.e. it was a tad small)
Tripe = Rubbish! (i.e. thats a load of tripe! - Tripe is actually a cows stomach lining)
Twat = an idiot
Tart = same as slapper, but harsher, suggesting they sleep around
Toffee-nosed = Snobby
Tosser = a masturbater
Tea Leaf = Thief - Cockney Ryming Slang
Trouble & Strife = Wife - Cockney Ryming Slang
Umpteen = Many, a lot of (i.e. there was umpteen colours to choose from)
Under the weather = Out of sorts, not currently in good health
Up for it = Phrase encompassing the enthusiasm of a person for an event
Up road = nearby (could be serveral miles, i.e. the arena is just up road from our house)
Up one's street = something which is suited to a person (i.e. that club is right up your street)
Up the swanny = In a hopeless situation. Meaning the same as 'up the creek without a paddle'
Veggie = abbreviation of a vegetarian
Verbal diarrhoea = Incessant and aimless talk, someone may have 'verbal diarrhoea'
Wet your whistle = Have a drink
Works like a Trojan = Works very hard
What-not = same as Thingymajig
Waterworks = The act of crying (i.e. she turned on the waterworks)
Wonky = Unstable
Wally = friendly term for 'idiot'
Wufter = Homosexual
Wellingtons = wellington boots - rubber boots in Canada
Whatchamacallit? = What is that called, I can't remember?
Wanker = same as a tosser. This is often used in conjunction with a hand signal by motorists during instances of momentary road rage
If anyone can think of any X's, please let me know!
Yank = An American (though not common knowledge amongst Brits, this would be considered offensive to most Americans living in southern US states. 'Yank' or 'Yankee' should only be used when referring to those from the northern US states. To 'Yank' can also mean 'to snatch something fiercely' (i.e. he yanked it off me)
Yonks = Ages/For ever (i.e. it lasted for yonks)
Zilch = naught, nothing, Zero in Canada